When my oldest son was 2 years old, my husband and I decided that we wanted to have another baby. I got pregnant so quickly with my first son, I never even gave it a second thought. But this time, months went by and every month was a devastating personal defeat.
About a year later I woke up one morning and just felt it! Took a pregnancy test and finally had that pink stripe on the stick. I was so excited! I already started planning how I would tell all my friends and family, took out all my maternity clothes from storage, and imagined how I would set up the new nursery.
Around 6 weeks later I had a rough night. I kept tossing and turning but wasn’t sure what was keeping me up. That morning, I woke up to heavy bleeding. I couldn’t breathe. I knew what it was but was in denial. I kept thinking about every other reason this might be happening trying to ignore the knot in my heart. I went to my doctor and found out I had something called a “chemical pregnancy”. A pregnancy that just didn’t stick. The doctor tried to assure me it wasn’t a miscarriage but call it what you will. I was pregnant and dreaming of a second child and then … I wasn’t.
I went home and cried my eyes out. Took a deep breath, put on my make up and went to work. I thought being busy would help distract me. Boy … was I wrong!
Sitting in my office, a close friend walked in and noticed right away that something was wrong. As soon as she asked me what was going on – the waterworks turned on. I told her I had a headache and just wasn’t feeling good. I could tell she didn’t believe me but didn’t push it. I went to wash my face and sat back down to work. A co-worker came in to talk to me about something and as soon as I looked at her, I felt the tears slide down my cheeks. I decided I needed to go home.
I went to my boss planning to tell him that I wasn’t feeling great and I needed to go home. As soon as I walked into his office he looked at me full of concern and asked me what was wrong. I immediately started crying and told him what had happened. I couldn’t believe I was telling him something so personal. I never opened up about the things I was going through. Never “aired out my family laundry”. He listened to me and let me express my grief and then he told me how sorry he was. He shared with me that his wife had also gone through a miscarriage and he knew how horrible it felt. He told me to take off as much time as I needed and that he would bring my 2 year old home from the staff daycare.
That night I decided that going to work the next day would be good for me. It would keep me busy and preoccupied. The next morning, a friend walked into my office and asked me why I had left early the previous day. While I was planning on telling everyone I wasn’t feeling well, my mouth opened and my story came out. I decided to just be honest with anyone that showed concern for me.
I wasn’t sure why I was telling everyone my story, it was so unlike me, but I knew it was helping me cope with my feelings. I found out that so many people I knew had gone through something similar! There wasn’t much advice to get but knowing I wasn’t alone helped.
A few months later I became pregnant with my second son and recently also had a third. Raising my beautiful children is unbelievably rewarding but parenting is HARD. It’s full of struggles, concerns, hardships and, sometimes, just plain aggravation. Being able to talk to others parents, ask for advice and share experiences helps through it all.
I decided that I wasn’t going to hide behind my painted smile anymore pretending everything was perfect. I was going to be real and honest. People always said “it takes a village” and I realized that, all along, I had my village.
*If you need someone to talk to please always feel free to reach out! @almost_sane_mom (twitter) — firstname.lastname@example.org